after multiple discussions with my bf about drugs, the differences between older and newer psychiatric meds, and how they can help a person when used and understood properly... i took my first effexor pill today. he has done tons of research and has a lot of experience with actually solving mental health issues, and i'm convinced he knows more than the doctors who had me on paxil.
of course he also understands my individual situation better. i know it's logical but still hard to grasp for some reason, that so many of my problems are directly related to this. i laughed at the list of symptoms effexor is supposed to treat because it's like a profile of me... not just things i think of as being depression/anxiety like irregular sleeping and eating patterns but difficulty making decisions, mind going blank...
i knew a decent amount about this stuff already, but somehow it's hitting home lately that everything's related and while i've learned to handle a lot of it on my own, there's not much more i can do without help. i know i need a therapist, for the depression/anxiety as well as a certain traumatic event that happened a little over a year and a half ago.
so he's making a point of not pushing me to do anything, but swears that once something starts working correctly for me i'll wonder why i put myself through this for so long. i think one of the reasons it's so difficult for me to realize that it doesn't have to be like this, is that it always has been. i can remember being depressed at four years old. to feel happy for more than a couple days at a time is a completely foreign concept, but this is normal to me.
the thing is that most of the time it's not horrible. i've been diagnosed with dysthymia--"chronic low-grade depression" which means its always there but usually just enough to mess up your life, often not bad enough to make you realize what it is that's messing up your life... occasionally spiralling into more severe depression.
i dunno, but i'm hopeful at the moment. sorry for the depressing post : ).