I woke up around six this morning and couldn't fall asleep again because I was so EXCITED. Yeah, that doesn't happen often : ). But today was The Big Day, I had my 20 week ultrasound at 11am. They tell you to drink tons of water, forty ounces in the hour and a half before your appointment, and then you lie on a table while someone pushes on your bladder and you try not to pee your pants for twenty minutes : ).
Seriously though, it was amazing. I'm so glad Jesse was there with me. He has said a few times that the pregnancy doesn't seem real to him, and I could tell he was able to think of the baby in a whole new way by actually seeing it and watching it move. He had this look of childlike wonder and amazement as his eyes were glued to everything that was going on. I can feel the baby move and poke the inside of my belly all the time now, but seeing its face, seeing it yawn and stretch and move around, and react when someone taps on my belly... well, I'm probably boring most of you but I never imagined that I would find this much happiness in pregnancy and the idea of being a mama.
It's funny, for quite a while we were so anxious to find out the sex of the baby. Just super curious and dying to know, waiting for this day. Then we both got out of bed this morning and agreed that not only did we not care at all whether it's a girl or boy, but we wouldn't even be especially distraught if we didn't find out. Of course, we did find out, and it's a baby... GIRL!
I'm not exactly looking forward to a home FULL of PINK stuff from the grandma's, but I'll survive. Everything else was good, the doctor seems to enjoy worrying me by going on about things such as how he thinks the baby is smaller than it should be (with his little tape measure), but she's almost exactly on schedule for the end of August. On to picking out the name...
In other news, my sister is also having a baby as of a few weeks ago, due four months later : ). And Easter sucked, the first big holiday of navigating between my parents with my sisters... or sister, as the youngest one is no long speaking to my dad. Blah. The end.
Well. I just had the urge to check up on the old livejournal and now I'm nostalgic, missing it. So how bout an update. It's yet another period of change, hmm probably the most massive yet, ever in my life now that I think about it. Good and bad.
I'M HAVING A BABY! It was a surprise to us, too : ). We are so happy and excited and occassionally scared out of our minds! I'm about 17 weeks/4 months pregnant, due August 26th. Hopefully we'll be finding out the gender in a few weeks because I simply can't wait another five months.
It's amazing how the way you think about everything changes the moment you find out you're gonna be a mama. And there are *so* many new things to think about now, from getting maternity clothes and a car seat to considering natural childbirth to how we'll be able to afford moving to avoiding family pressure to get married. We have to remind ourselves to take a break from it all once in a while. I've learned one of the keys is to plan the things that are necessary now and in the next few months, because thinking too far into the future is when you get overwhelmed with it all.
I'm definitely getting a belly, at the in-between stage where my most of my normal clothes are too tight but maternity clothes are still huge. Every day is something different to be excited or stressed about, though I'm doing my best to keep the stress to a minimum. I never know what crazy thing my body will decide to do next. And just knowing we're growing a new little person in there that has a part of both of us... it's magical, and we have to believe it was the right time for some reason.
Well, this is getting long so I won't get to all the crazy things going on, but here's another big one. My parents are getting divorced and my family seems to be very much falling apart in various ways. It started with my mom telling me in November that she was going to kick my dad out after the holidays (because that would be easier for everyone, yes but thanks for ruining MY holidays, MOM). Actually, they might already be divorced--there was a court hearing last week and it appears that everything is going quickly, but I try to stay out of their details lately, I've enough on my mind.
This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
i put in my two weeks at work yesterday, and got my eyebrow pierced today!
i've wanted to get it done for a long time, but when i was younger i was worried about my parents' opinions, then i got jobs where i was never allowed to have a facial piercing. which makes no sense to me btw because, for example, who really cares if their pizza delivery driver has a piercing?? i get to go into work tomorrow and say, "you can fire me or i'll put a bandaid over it, but it's not coming out." now i just have to find another job. heh...
anyway, this is the first non-ear piercing i've gotten. the whole process including signing papers and all took less than ten minutes. it hurt enough that my eyes teared up for a second, but it really wasn't bad. now it only hurts a tiny bit when i touch it.
the boyfriend was a bit upset that i did it while he was at work, though. i can understand that he wanted to be there, but he's being bitchy about it. i didn't exactly plan it that way. this is the last week of the semester and i've been really stressed about it, as usual. i got out of my last speech class, which i'm getting a very high A in, and wanted to celebrate somehow. it was kind of spontaneous, though i started talking about it a month ago (at which time my boss said no way : ) ).
Q: i basically have an offer for a full-time office job that i'm considering. i'm not sure how they'd feel about the piercing. anyone know if it's really as impossible (constant infections or it will immediately close) as they say it is to take it out just for work, after it's healed?
chemistry studying time.
after multiple discussions with my bf about drugs, the differences between older and newer psychiatric meds, and how they can help a person when used and understood properly... i took my first effexor pill today. he has done tons of research and has a lot of experience with actually solving mental health issues, and i'm convinced he knows more than the doctors who had me on paxil.
of course he also understands my individual situation better. i know it's logical but still hard to grasp for some reason, that so many of my problems are directly related to this. i laughed at the list of symptoms effexor is supposed to treat because it's like a profile of me... not just things i think of as being depression/anxiety like irregular sleeping and eating patterns but difficulty making decisions, mind going blank...
i knew a decent amount about this stuff already, but somehow it's hitting home lately that everything's related and while i've learned to handle a lot of it on my own, there's not much more i can do without help. i know i need a therapist, for the depression/anxiety as well as a certain traumatic event that happened a little over a year and a half ago.
so he's making a point of not pushing me to do anything, but swears that once something starts working correctly for me i'll wonder why i put myself through this for so long. i think one of the reasons it's so difficult for me to realize that it doesn't have to be like this, is that it always has been. i can remember being depressed at four years old. to feel happy for more than a couple days at a time is a completely foreign concept, but this is normal to me.
the thing is that most of the time it's not horrible. i've been diagnosed with dysthymia--"chronic low-grade depression" which means its always there but usually just enough to mess up your life, often not bad enough to make you realize what it is that's messing up your life... occasionally spiralling into more severe depression.
i dunno, but i'm hopeful at the moment. sorry for the depressing post : ).
we adopted our new baby (kitten) today!
i've been talking about wanting one for a month or two and we've been looking at pics on the internet the last couple days. j really wanted a puppy but i don't think we have time or especially space for one.
the boyfriend just got his first paycheck from his new job yesterday. he'd been unemployed for six weeks or so and has been relying on me for a lot of financial things. last night he took me out to an expensive dinner at dave & buster's and an expensive hotel room--both of which are more than i think he/we can afford, but he won't tell me how much was spent.
on the way home, he stopped in a parking lot and asked if i wanted to look at furniture or cats. "um... cats!"
she's not the one originally picked out online but he was going to be a long drive and big hassle to get. after i decided, the lady who works at the shelter said that her name is jessica, and the he decided it was meant to be. fits right with jesse (him) and jennifer (me). we were going to name her scout, though. the name hasn't been definitively decided. opinions?
she's three months old and has spent a lot of the day exploring her new home and hiding, but is beginning to get comfortable enough to come up to us and pounce and play.( meet the kittyCollapse )
tomorrow i will mail a rent check along with a note saying that i'll no longer be paying $350 a month for "storage space" where i drop in once or twice a month to pick up something and check in with the roomates.
officially moving in with the boy
...though we've been unofficially living together for a few months.
it's scary. the first time i lived with a boy was a three year relationship. the last time was a disaster. both prospects are a little unnerving, the second one much more so.
my family doesn't hate him, but i wish they could see in him just a little more of what i do and be happier for me.
it's a little sad leaving my roommates and that nice big house and the possibility of long-term friendships with them, but i never liked being "home" when i was actually living there anyway. too much going on, too much coming home after work at 1am and finding strangers alone in my living room drinking and blaring music. too much pressure to socialize every minute for someone who likes personal space. so my roommates now think i'm weird and antisocial, or i'm paranoid that they do. my mom was right: i would have gone crazy in a college dorm.
Back in school for the summer semester after a much-needed break to regroup. I'm taking English, Public and Private Communications, and Chemistry. All pretty easy basic classes that I should already have but put off because they're easy and basic = boring. I actually wasn't planning to go back to college yet, till I had some fun and explored some more and figured things out, but the latest career inspiration struck:
It started as curiosity and a plan to take a one-credit four-day "nursing experience" class in July in which I would learn about the career possibilities in the field and hang out with some nurses on the job. Then I started doing tons of research, as usual, and it snowballed into this whole big ordeal of trying to get into a nursing progam as soon as possible. Which means taking prereq's before I can even apply, a pre-entrance exam, etc etc. The absolute soonest I could potentially be admitted is for the spring semester.
I'm having some extreme stressout sessions over the prospect that this is actually what I want to do, but think it's just resistance and fear and am alternatingly very excited when I work through it. This feels different. This time I have a concrete plan and know what I need to do. I can see every step along the way. Unlike sociology and anthropology (yeah I've got about one and a half? years left on a bachelor's degree majoring in those), which I love and am fascinated by but have a hard time visualizing what exactly I would do in those fields. Interest but lack of direction and secure job prospects, which I think is I good part of the reason why I haven't been doing great or nearly as well as I'm capable of since I started college... I never knew exactly what I was working toward. I called it my Illusion of Progress even while I was doing it. Interestingly, I've come across a lot of people with B.A.'s in Anthro going back to school to be R.N.'s.
* It's an important job with responsibilities. Making people feel better, making a difference. Sense of accomplishment every day.
* There is an astounding nursing shortage, which is going to get astoundingly worse. I will have people trying to convince me to work for them before I even graduate, especially if I get into the program I'm trying for.
* The shortage is worldwide. I can move anywhere in the United States with no worries of finding a job. I can potentially work in Australia or Ireland or third world countries or...
* Travel nursing. With a little experience, I can make very good money while traveling and working in areas where nurses are needed, which is pretty much everywhere. Three months in Boston, three months in Hawaii, three months in Illinois when I want to be home... with most housing and travel expenses paid for.
* Flexible schedules, variety of different shifts and number of hours worked. Regular steady job or temp-like situations. Can finish my bachelor's degrees and do whatever else I want for "fun".
* Variety of settings from hospitals and doctors' offices and community health programs and schools to research or education or insurance companies.
* Academia. It requires a lot of specialized knowledge and constant learning and I can get interested in almost anything, am already interested in human biology. Many many specialty areas an RN can go into and many opportunities for further formal education and advancement.
* Money. Especially with further schooling.
* Only two years of school.
(yes, the whole freedom and flexibility aspect is an important one to me. and here, i can have it in combination with job security and using my brain and helping people.)
* Can be very stressful... exhausting physically demanding twelve-hour shifts.
* Um some people might say I don't come across with an extremely warm and chatty bedside manner. I do like people and want to help people. The bf said I would actually be really good at dealing with the patients in my own way, hard to explain here.
* Having to live within driving distance of the college I want to go to for two+ years and probably be poorer than I am now for the next two+ years.
* Not sure I'll get in. There's also a shortage of nursing education programs, so they're selective. I'm intelligent but have a sketchy academic record.
* Not sure whether the actual work is my dream job. But it gives me a way to get at a lot of my dreams and has most of the elements I'd want in dream job.
* Some dealing with disgusting things.
* Other things that I don't yet know I'm getting myself into...
I change my mind a lot and I have months before I would be able to commit to anything. I like the possibilities for this one, though. BTW I've researched enough careers in depth and have dealt with colleges enough that I would be an awesome admissions/career counselor.